Day 121 Understanding Tiredness

Wisdom of Forgiveness (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have been trying to notice my thoughts when I feel that “I am tired.” I wonder is this a legitimate tiredness, meaning do I need to rest or am I wanting to get out of doing something. This really takes some self honesty and many times I see that I just do not want to do something. And then the mental battle comes up of – you should do it – and I start to get exhausted by all these mental battles going on..  My astrology chart actually says I am prone to laziness, so I was born with it.

I have seen that I am not lazy when it is something that I want to do. But as I watch my thoughts – I am seeing mostly that tiredness is a state of Mind. That I can change it. What I am struggling with though is learning how not to use “energy” thoughts in my mind to pump me up, so to speak to do the things I need to do to change and stop living as a programmed robot of my designed astrology chart and become an actually living being designing a life that is best for All. 

So today I will share what I did that seemed to help. I became overwhelmed when I thought about writing for my blog- All the excuses can been seen on the Procrastination blog, that come up every time I go to write. I had read Anna’s blog about her struggles with the commitment to write a blog and in the end she said – I just did it – after all the excuses the only thing left was to just do it – and so I knew that it was my time – just do it.

Anyway as usual I became overwhelmed then really tired to the point of almost getting sick. So I laid down, closed my eyes and just focused on my body and allowed myself to slowing breath relax, then I started doing self forgiveness on all the backchat coming up. And then while in a relaxed state I started telling myself that “ I love to write, I love to blog” and I started to actually feel it emotionally or as a feeling of something that gave me fulfillment.  I went to the opposite feeling of dread to something that I would enjoy as fulfillment. Now I have heard that going to the opposite polarity is not the solution. But I could not do it any other way at this time. I had to trick my old thought program that was dread, doubt and fear into enjoyment. After I feel the joy, I was not tired anymore and I got up and started to write – the excuses where there a little bit but I just ignored them. But really in the end – I knew I would be pleased with myself after writing, because that does always happen when I finally do write, what I was getting stuck in was the pattern  of fear and excuses before I start writing and that made me want to avoid it.

So as I read this over, I did have to use a thought of joy instead of dread to get me to do the writing. So am I still using energy to get things done? I think so, but my body does respond to joy as in doing something fulfilling over the thought of dread for now.

 




------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I started doing the Art of Self Investigation in 1997. I learned this Art though what Desteni calls Writing to Freedom using Self forgiveness and Self Honesty. . There is a Free Course offered called Desteni I Process Lite - Beginning Steps to Self Discovery that assists one to learn how to write yourself to Freedom.

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Day 120 Attached to an Outcome

The other day I was talking to a friend on the phone about, lets call it “Spiritual” Stuff. To me that mean talking about the Mind – Since it is the Mind you can not see and thus can be called spirit. Anyway, when we were finished talking I realized that I was exhausted. I ask myself “why are you so tired?” What came loud and clear was that “You are trying to “Convince and Convert.” I was like Oh Wow, yes. I saw that while I was talking to this person that the energy behind my words where actually wanting an outcome.

 I wanted her to see it my way, I wanted my words to have an impact, I was attached to an outcome as my started point. And then as I investigated this further is goes hand in hand with “wanting to be heard” as a way to be validated. I want validation for my thoughts, as I define my thoughts as Me. When I saw this realization it was like within my physical body that a balloon had deflated. In other words, I had not seen that my body was tense while talking because the starting point was that I wanted to convince instead of just talk. 

I decided to call her back and apologize. I told her what I saw, and she said –oh that did not feel that way to me – it seemed just like a discussion. I was like wow – so that is how I saw it within myself and that is why the conversations drain me, because my started point is that “I need you to hear me.”  This comes from a childhood experience that I have been doing a Mind Construct on with the Desteni DIP course. I will not get into that here.

So bottom line is, I thought that was cool to see that insight right after that occurrence And also see the effect it had on my body as exhaustion.

I am not saying that this habit is gone – as it is who I have lived as my whole life without even noticing! But I am now on the look out for it. The cool thing I realized is that this does not me I have to stop sharing insights with others, but just to stop the energy drain that I do to myself, by “wanting and outcome.” .

 

 



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I started doing the Art of Self Investigation in 1997. I learned this Art though what Desteni calls Writing to Freedom using Self forgiveness and Self Honesty. . There is a Free Course offered called Desteni I Process Lite - Beginning Steps to Self Discovery that assists one to learn how to write yourself to Freedom.

Day 119 Procrastion 2 Doing it out of Fear

Scared child (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Continuing from the previous Post:
 So then I have seen that I have been doing all of Desteni stuff out of fear!! Fear I won’t make it – fear I am not doing the right thing. Fear that I wont be liked if I do not do it – to the point that I think – I just should stop with Desteni because I fear not to stop, meaning I am not really doing it for myself – but out of fear of not doing the right thing- Which is what I internally battle with all the time.

I fear that there is someone or something that will judge me if I don’t do the right thing. And that is crazy within myself because there are SO MANY OPINIONS about what is right and what is wrong. I then become frozen within myself as what to do.

I think this is why I really liked and got into drinking a lot most my life time was because I was afraid to make a decision – and when drinking I just did not care about making a right or wrong decision. When drinking I was not hard on myself. I did go into emotional self pity when love interests did not work out how I wanted them to – but I did not judge myself like I do now. I even accepted my self pity. When drinking I did not care much what other thought, unless I wanted something from them.

All this is backchat that in my heart and soul I believe is not valid – and I really do trust Desteni in what is being taught to birth Life into the physical. I want to do it for Me – For Life – not because I am afraid I wont make it – that is a crappy starting point and one that is compromising me.

What is also compromising me within procrastination – is that there is no Freedom in it anyway! In fact it cause more stress and guilt within myself and there is no freedom within worrying about waiting till last minute to get things done. The biggest thing coming up again when I have the thought of doing it sooner than later – Is I will then go into guilt because now I have more time to get more “should does” done!! Gee And then I heard just now within backchat – you will get more confused as to what to do next and think you should be doing more – feeling like it will be never ending. How is that for mind fucking you!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I started doing the Art of Self Investigation in 1997. I learned this Art though what Desteni calls Writing to Freedom using Self forgiveness and Self Honesty. . There is a Free Course offered called Desteni I Process Lite - Beginning Steps to Self Discovery that assists one to learn how to write yourself to Freedom.

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Day 118 Procrastination Backchat 1

English: Gentaur schedule (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is a rant and rave of points that I have seen come up when I put things off to do later.

Fear of losing freedom – I have the belief that freedom is to do what I am inspired to do in the moment with no self direction - Thus thinking that emotional inspiration is life.

Wanting to wait until last minute – with the idea belief that the high is really cool when have to act under the gun so to speak – meaning I get a high to be so close to having to do something before it is too late – and I go into complete energy production and it feels like life to me. I feel alive when there is the “pressure” to do something.

Backchat when I set a schedule – to get things done – I always totally ignore almost every schedule I make and wait till close to last minute. I say – oh I have time, I will start in an hour – then the next hour comes, and I say – I have time, I have time – then it is the next day, then next couple of days an so on.

I also believe if I get the things done now- before they are due so to speak – that I will only then find other things that I “should” do, thus making more “work” for myself.

What I am seeing within this idea of – I want to do what ever I feel like doing until the time is close to do what I need to do – is that I really do not have any feeling of real freedom – because I am always thinking of the thing I said I would do and then did not – meaning I can not really have freedom or enjoy myself because I am then feeling guilty for not doing it when I scheduled myself to.

Another backchat is – I do not want to be owned by a schedule – that is not life – to live as a schedule – that is a programmed reality to control us.

Then I also have this resentment of “having to do things” more than what I am already doing. This one comes with doing what I call Desteni stuff. (I feel guilty for even writing this down – that this is my feelings and ideas about it.) The backchat I have about this is – “ I have been pushing myself all my life – doing things I really don’t want to – like going to school, going to work, having to make money to pay bills – Now “they want me to “push myself” to do more things I don’t like/ have resistance to.

But I know this is crap as I see and write the backchat out – I see that I have only been “pushing myself” to do those things because of fear of death – meaning if I do not have money, I can not really do what I like anyway. So within that I am not really pushing myself – I am doing it because I think that is what will make me happy. So what I do is then create this big confusion (con-fusion) within myself as backchat complete with emotions of self pity because I “don’t know what to do – meaning what is right and what is wrong. I mean I tell myself this might be another trap – doing things you don’t want to do. Doing them just because someone tells you that is what you should be doing to break free –> To Be Continued



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I started doing the Art of Self Investigation in 1997. I learned this Art though what Desteni calls Writing to Freedom using Self forgiveness and Self Honesty. There is a Free Course offered called Desteni I Process Lite - Beginning Steps to Self Discovery that assists one to learn how to write yourself to Freedom from mind conditioning.

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Day 111 through 117

These post are posted on my private blog
Start on 10/13/14
Day 111 to Day 117

Day 110 1. Realising and living my utmost potential

What this means to me is to be open to not judge and investigate all things. I also see that for me it is an on going process - that ones potential is not fixed in stone or something that can be taught.

I have always known something was not right within the world. By that I mean the consciousness of man. How people think seemed so limited and full of fear. As a child I was rebellious to religion and parents ideas of conditioning, for example, what a person “should do” and grow up to be. The short of it is, all things taught were basically out of fear of survival and what other might think of you if you did not behave in a certain way. Ones “potential” seemed to be based how you fit into the system, how well you do in competition, how you compare to others, how much money you have. The value of a person was considered by what they did, what they have, not who they are.

Thus for me living my utmost potential is to push through and stop living in fear and limited believe systems.
Fear will limit our potential. Thus I commit to see and investigate my thoughts that have a starting point of fear.

 I realize this is a process and an unfoldment of striping the layers of conditioned fears and believes that we have bought into. I commit to change my ideas of what is true Value, to one that is best for all of life. When one understands the value of life, one will understand that all that is here is life and to suppress it for ones self interest is to suppress potential. Competition and exploitation of others for our own gain is not a potential that I want to live as. As one become free of fear wherein they have SELF WORTH, we will not need to get our worth from the condemnation and enslavement of others.

Day 109 The Desteni of Living - My Declaration of Principle

This I declare to Live By and As What Is Best For ALL LIFE

1. Realising and living my utmost potential

via Jl Kenney

2. Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all

 3. Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

 4. Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others

 5. Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

 6. Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well

 7. Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others

 8. With taking responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility and become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own

 9. Living the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best for me

 10. Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what is means to LIVE

 11. No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone

 12. Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today

 13. Honouring the life in each person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth, that we expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for everyone and everything and so ourselves

 14. Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one

 15. Sex as Self Expression – where sex is an united expression between individuals in honour, respect, consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting in equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically

. 16. Realising that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the generations to come

 17. I must in my thoughts, words and deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become a living example for others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that more people can realise how we can change this world, by standing united in our self change within the principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to earth

18. I am the change I want to see in me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into being, into living the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in our actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in this living world.

 19. Through purifying my thoughts, words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring into creation me as heaven into earth, realising it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of me through the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to all in every moment of breath

 20. Realising that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me

 21. We are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realise this, as nothing will change if we don’t change in all that we are, within and without

 22. The realisation that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all

 23. The realisation that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and give the best possible life for all on Earth

So Be It.