Day 119 Procrastion 2 Doing it out of Fear

Scared child (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Continuing from the previous Post:
 So then I have seen that I have been doing all of Desteni stuff out of fear!! Fear I won’t make it – fear I am not doing the right thing. Fear that I wont be liked if I do not do it – to the point that I think – I just should stop with Desteni because I fear not to stop, meaning I am not really doing it for myself – but out of fear of not doing the right thing- Which is what I internally battle with all the time.

I fear that there is someone or something that will judge me if I don’t do the right thing. And that is crazy within myself because there are SO MANY OPINIONS about what is right and what is wrong. I then become frozen within myself as what to do.

I think this is why I really liked and got into drinking a lot most my life time was because I was afraid to make a decision – and when drinking I just did not care about making a right or wrong decision. When drinking I was not hard on myself. I did go into emotional self pity when love interests did not work out how I wanted them to – but I did not judge myself like I do now. I even accepted my self pity. When drinking I did not care much what other thought, unless I wanted something from them.

All this is backchat that in my heart and soul I believe is not valid – and I really do trust Desteni in what is being taught to birth Life into the physical. I want to do it for Me – For Life – not because I am afraid I wont make it – that is a crappy starting point and one that is compromising me.

What is also compromising me within procrastination – is that there is no Freedom in it anyway! In fact it cause more stress and guilt within myself and there is no freedom within worrying about waiting till last minute to get things done. The biggest thing coming up again when I have the thought of doing it sooner than later – Is I will then go into guilt because now I have more time to get more “should does” done!! Gee And then I heard just now within backchat – you will get more confused as to what to do next and think you should be doing more – feeling like it will be never ending. How is that for mind fucking you!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I started doing the Art of Self Investigation in 1997. I learned this Art though what Desteni calls Writing to Freedom using Self forgiveness and Self Honesty. . There is a Free Course offered called Desteni I Process Lite - Beginning Steps to Self Discovery that assists one to learn how to write yourself to Freedom.

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Day 118 Procrastination Backchat 1

English: Gentaur schedule (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is a rant and rave of points that I have seen come up when I put things off to do later.

Fear of losing freedom – I have the belief that freedom is to do what I am inspired to do in the moment with no self direction - Thus thinking that emotional inspiration is life.

Wanting to wait until last minute – with the idea belief that the high is really cool when have to act under the gun so to speak – meaning I get a high to be so close to having to do something before it is too late – and I go into complete energy production and it feels like life to me. I feel alive when there is the “pressure” to do something.

Backchat when I set a schedule – to get things done – I always totally ignore almost every schedule I make and wait till close to last minute. I say – oh I have time, I will start in an hour – then the next hour comes, and I say – I have time, I have time – then it is the next day, then next couple of days an so on.

I also believe if I get the things done now- before they are due so to speak – that I will only then find other things that I “should” do, thus making more “work” for myself.

What I am seeing within this idea of – I want to do what ever I feel like doing until the time is close to do what I need to do – is that I really do not have any feeling of real freedom – because I am always thinking of the thing I said I would do and then did not – meaning I can not really have freedom or enjoy myself because I am then feeling guilty for not doing it when I scheduled myself to.

Another backchat is – I do not want to be owned by a schedule – that is not life – to live as a schedule – that is a programmed reality to control us.

Then I also have this resentment of “having to do things” more than what I am already doing. This one comes with doing what I call Desteni stuff. (I feel guilty for even writing this down – that this is my feelings and ideas about it.) The backchat I have about this is – “ I have been pushing myself all my life – doing things I really don’t want to – like going to school, going to work, having to make money to pay bills – Now “they want me to “push myself” to do more things I don’t like/ have resistance to.

But I know this is crap as I see and write the backchat out – I see that I have only been “pushing myself” to do those things because of fear of death – meaning if I do not have money, I can not really do what I like anyway. So within that I am not really pushing myself – I am doing it because I think that is what will make me happy. So what I do is then create this big confusion (con-fusion) within myself as backchat complete with emotions of self pity because I “don’t know what to do – meaning what is right and what is wrong. I mean I tell myself this might be another trap – doing things you don’t want to do. Doing them just because someone tells you that is what you should be doing to break free –> To Be Continued



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I started doing the Art of Self Investigation in 1997. I learned this Art though what Desteni calls Writing to Freedom using Self forgiveness and Self Honesty. There is a Free Course offered called Desteni I Process Lite - Beginning Steps to Self Discovery that assists one to learn how to write yourself to Freedom from mind conditioning.

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