Day 17: Subtle Gossip

 I noticed I was talking with a friend about another friend. Then I talk to that friend about her - It is eeky   - talking to another person about another person’s problems and thinking we know better, it is really trying to connect through gossip and perceived shared “knowledge”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am bonding with someone because we talk about another, making me feel special that I am gossiping.

I forgive myself that I have not seen that I was doing this in an attempt to connect with someone by talking about someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do this with the secret mind of wanting to connect or showing someone that I have knowledge about someone else and there problems - then we talk about them - in an effort to feel good about who we are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use gossip as a way to feel good about myself.

When and if I see myself starting to gossip about another as a way to feel superior - I stop. I realize that this is a habit that we have as an attempt to feel better about who we are. I do not accept and allow this within me any longer

Day:16 Age as an Excuse

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to think that maybe I can not do this process of standing up to the mind because of my age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the idea and excuse that because I am getting old that I should not “do” anymore and just live as comfortably as I can because I am going to die anyway, so what difference can I make.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough time and within that and because of that fear, that I am not living, and thus the very idea that I am fearing - the fear itself is what is stopping me from living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of time to direct me, and what I do within life, instead to be PRESANT HERE with life. Thus the fear of time is keeping me living as a fear of the future, thus meaning everything I do is in fear really because I do it for a future instead to do it as Life as what is best for myself in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live life for a future goal, thus not living as LIFE, but a picture presentation of what I think life should be. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually want to use age as an excuse to give up in my backchat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that age makes a difference in what one can do, though I have retaliated this thought for many years, saying I would not be that way, as I got older I started to accept and allow that this might be true. I can see now in my mind pictures of people saying things like “wait until you get older, or wait until you get my age” Those things scared me and made me mad at the same time.  I feared getting older.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting older even thought I thought I was not. I finally faced the fear, that I really had this fear and that what others were saying might be true. Funny what you resist persist.

Now that I faced that I had this fear, I can forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and fear that getting older was not a good thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge getting older as a failure, thus I was living in the mind consciousness polarity once again as life projected into the future as being good or bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow thoughts of fear and picture presentation of past or present pictures that are of the mind, and thus I am living as picture presentation instead of living HERE.

When and If I see myself following picture presentation that lead to thoughts of fear of me in/as a future, I stop, I breathe, I bring myself back to HERE as Life unencumbered by thoughts/ emotions and feeling.

I dedicate my self as life to deconstructing all thoughts, feelings and emotions that do not support Life. And I as Life start to live as what is best for all, instead of personal worry and gain, as life is ALL.  In this a world can emerge with out abuse as we stop the internal completion against ourselves, others and the world, as completion against = against/ not with, and thus we have accepted and allowed abuse to exist, by wanting to be better than an other.

Day 15: Depression as an Excuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind as the program of emotions and feeling to direct my life and actions within my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find a solution through the mind as self interest reason to feel good, and not see that I am still in the mind.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing the mind to direct me as life thinking/believing its excuses are valid

I forgive myself that I am still as of now wanting to find/figure out through the mind excuses as to why I am tired and just want to watch TV, instead to make a difference in this lifetime.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to want to feel good, thinking this is the reason above all for life, thus and therefore believing and allowing the act and idea of depression to be valid reason not to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything I do is a chore and thus I deserve to rest and get it done fast so I can rest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I am a Leo and thus Leos, like the lion are in there glory when they are resting and lounging as the King

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow depression as an excuse not to do something and hide from life and not want to face it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and follow the polarity of feeling good verses not feeling good as a way to judge what I am and what I do in and within life as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become and live as manic in my life and decisions of what is right and wrong and as self pity self judgment of if I am not feeling good - as high - that something is wrong with me and I go into a low/depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to us energy and believe energy is the director of my life, thus therefore allowing myself to become and believe I am a victim to what I am feeling as energy/ feeling and emotions.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become and believe that I am a victim to the polarity swings of energy.

I now dedicate my life to do what it takes to stop accepting and allowing myself to follow the energy swings of the mind as a way of life.

I now understand that the energy swings of feeling good and feeling bad are not who I am and are not and excuse, because I  was accepting and allowing myself to fear to stand up to it because I was accepting and allowing myself to follow the mind/ego reasoning as valid when in fact it is just a program designed to keep one entrapped in victimization

I now understand this will not go away on its own, as I was accepting and allowing myself to want it to be easy, I was accepting and allowing myself to falsely believe that if I just sit through it that one day it will just stop, instead to realize that I am the one who has to stop following the excuses of the mind.

I now dedicate myself as Life as what is Best for All to stop allowing this pattern of feel good feel bad to direct my life and what I do within life. As I see now that I am the only one who can stop this, and I see that this is not what is best for life as me or as another, meaning as I stand for life, I stand for life as All. Meaning life is just not about me - that I am part of all life - Life is Life.  SO BE IT.

When and if I see myself going into depression - I Stop! I change my mind - I stop following the thoughts and excuses, - I change my mind as to not accepting and allowing myself to follow these thoughts.  SO BE IT.

I now chose to be the DIRCTIOR of My life for what is Best for All.  SO BE IT.

Day 14: Depression Turned Out to Be Regret

I have been feeling depressed a lot lately and I have been investigation what this might be about. I could not pin point it until yesterday. I knew it could not be from a specific reason - meaning like blaming it on something that happened because I know by now that we bounce around with good days and bad days, meaning something can happen to you on a day and you would see it as bad and another day the same thing could happen it it would not affect you at all. So I could not pin point what this feeling was really about.

Then it hit me as I was digging into my feelings and trying to see it in self honesty.

I was feeling and believing in regret for my life. For the things I thought and believed that were so called important to me to be/fulfill in my life. This takes on many forms of course but the one at this point was I thought I was not being all I could be from the perspective of create your own reality teachings. It was like a morning of all the dreams I had as a child and growing up - I was going to do this - I was going to be that . AND I saw I had this FEAR - that my time is coming to an end. I am older now - and my passion for these things are gone. NOW WHAT?? How do I life with out the passion I had before I turned 50 and saw that all my dreams were crashing?

I saw then that I was MOURNING that I was going to give up on these dreams!

But what was cool is that by now I knew that these dreams are not my own - they are given to us by the world as who and how we should be based on commercialism. Meaning I/we build up our life and how it should be lived by what others tell us is the right way or wrong way. Anyway this is extensive to go into all of that - but though Desteni and Desteni I Process I have seen many of this within me.

What I didn’t see that I was doing was still going into guilt and regret about by “dreams” being gone. Once I saw that, that is what I was holding onto - the depression stopped immediately because I knew it was bullshit! lol  I know the dreams we try so hard to fulfill our whole life and think we are failures if we don’t is not true. It is just something we went along with because we did not know any better.

I forgive myself that I was accepted and allowing myself to judge myself for not fulfilling my dreams, therefore within that self judgment I was becoming depressed, unable to move because I thought I had loss passion. But what was really happening is I was mourning the goodbye to these silly dreams that have kept me so busy all my life that I have forgotten how to LIVE HERE. That I had not been Living HERE in the present, with myself and life, but living for an imagined future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that life must be lived for a goal presented to us by society and commercialism and if I am not living that goal that I should not have self worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I was really just morning a decision I had made to let go of living in this world as a slave to the mind consciousness system and thinking/fearing/believing that I was going to miss something, like the “perfect relationship” that if I did not have that  - I was not living the dream. Or becoming a greater life - to most that means manifesting what you want, money, gold, a house - without consideration of even wanting to live as life as what is best for all of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I lost my dreams I would lose myself.

I forgive myself that I have not seen that I had this fear of losing my dreams as myself and because of this I was becoming depresses and lethargic.

I am grateful to see this program within and when and if I see myself getting depressed I will stop and write to uncover the belief that I am hold about myself and my world and forgive myself, there for releasing myself from the programmed guilt and self blame as I know this is not who I am, but a program to keep me from being HERE, PRESENT as LIFE IN THE MOMENT.